Monday, 21 January 2013

0 Truth be told. I am a terrible mom. I am sorry, son.

What makes a terrible mom? Lets start from the worst since the title above already the worst kind you kinda expected from me. 

Beating up her kids.
Let her kids hungry.
Does not kiss or hug her kids.
Does not breastfeed? can't blame mom on this. Sometimes there are moms who just not created for this mechanics.
There can be thousands of reason why a mom called a terrible one. 

People already see me as a terrible mom since i went back to work. I have the heart to leave my beloved son at home to be taken care by his grandma and grandpa. His grandparents lived 112 kilometers  away from my workplace. This is the best i could  get transferred from Lahad Datu when i was still pregnant.

Why i did it? So many questions was being thrown at me and yes now people already stop asking because the world is going round and there are better thing to talk about other than how i raise my son. 

Why not i just hired anyone to babysit him when i go to work? There are two daycare centres in this district. One strictly for hospital employees and the other one is likely will take anyone's child as long as it is within their quotas. Why not i just sent him to my in-laws since they were all in the same district where am i working?

Money is definitely not the questions here. I invest in good money for the car's gases every weeks and even give my mom allowances for this most precious favors. I know there are not many grandparents who is able to do this for their children fulltiming when they aged. I just can't stand the thought that my son is going to a pre kindergarten  ( i know these day care does not force any kids to learn but, the situations there kinda feel like it) that young and be overwhelmed by other kids and adults whom i do not know their backgrounds. Plus, there is so much horrible things i heard of daycare centres! I know it is just number of them but, it is enough to send me shivers if my son were go to one of these daycare.

In-laws is the closest i have in this district.  But, forgive me in-laws.They are the most wonderful and kindest people i met in life.  I just can't let my son lived in less than i ever had when i can provide better for him. My family is not of silverchair blood but, i was brought up in a well sufficient environment. This is something i know that many people will if they can, stone me to death. I would say  that , the insufficiency of this place stops me from sending my son to my in-laws. I can only assure that my son will be better taken care of my parents for now. Enough said. I do respect and appreciate them as my family too.

So, i lived in the district where i am working now on the weekdays and every weekend i tried not to miss Friday nights with my son and spend quality time together during the weekends. So, my Monday blues and TGIF is nothing like to anyone else's .... i think. Monday blues is all about driving like a crazy woman to get to school on time and TGIF is also driving crazy like a blind woman , i try my best to get home before dark.  I have very bad vision driving at night by the way.

Deep inside this choice i made for my son, despite my husband is working further, i do feel guilty every breath i take. I feel like it is not right my son is not here with me. Seeing me going to work everyday. Picking him up from daycare. Feeding him, bathing him everyday, not only for the weekends and sing him lullaby. Breaks my heart every seconds i though of his smile, laughter, and him being grumpy. 

If one day my son will be able to read this,

 I am sorry , son. I really love you i can't stand the thought of you not being cuddled when you are fed, when you want to have you nap. Wondering who will hold you if you fell and cry, or when you just need to be, who will hand your favorite snacks, change your diapers, you know you could be ballistics when getting change. I could never trust people that much. That's why you never go to a daycare. That's why this entry is being posted now. Trust me, there is nothing like just spending time with you. Mommy always day dreaming about you being with me here. But, please know that, mommy loves you more than anything in the world. Mommy pray everyday that this situation will change. I do not know how will it change or how but, mommy will try to do the right thing for you always.


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